Unconsciousness

"Resentment is the emotion that goes with complaining and the mental labeling of people and adds even more energy to the ego. Resentment means to feel bitter, indignant, aggrieved, or offended. You resent other people's greed, their dishonesty, their lack of integrity, what they are doing, what they failed to do, what they should or shouldn't have done. The ego loves it. Instead of overlooking unconsciousness in others, you make it into their identity. Who is doing that? The unconsciousness in you, the ego."
Eckhart Tolle, in "A New Earth; Awakening to Your Life's Purpose."

I haven't written here, in more than three months, for several reasons. One is that I've simply run out of things to say, here, (it seems much easier to write in an interactive venue). To say I've aired my grievences about SA would be a vast understatement, as I went well beyond that. Reading the passage, above, made me think about that.

"Phil" recently responded to my last post, and commented on something I once said about "compartmentalizing out of necessity." We all have to compartmentalize, to some degree. When we go to work, we're supposed to forget about our troubles at home, and vice versa. Most of us probably fail to totally compartmentalize our lives. We're irritable with our spouses or children, because we had a bad day at work, or perhaps we snap at our co-workers, because of something that happens in our personal lives. Sometimes, when we lash out, perhaps it's deserved, but the degree of hostility is influenced by other things. Perhaps, some of us have compartments that hold some rather toxic substances, that seep out and contaminate our other compartments, no matter how tightly we lock that particular box and try to pretend it's not there.

The week after I began working fulltime at SA, I had some terribly upsetting news, about a personal situation I thought had been resolved, many years ago. At the time, I was glad to have my new job, because it gave me something else to focus on, a new "compartment," so to speak. Not long after this, I had a glimmer of hope that the situation was going to be resolved, once and for all, but unfortunately, that didn't happen. Instead, things got worse, because someone neglected to keep me properly informed about the situation. Ironically, I think this person might have been trying to "help" me but, sadly, that wasn't the outcome.

At about the same time, I started seeing my new workplace as a situation that, though it had huge potential, seemed to be mostly a joke, due to what I considered to be extremely poor management decisions. When I tried to change things there, the environment became quite hostile. My personal life was in shambles, and I couldn't go to work to hide from that, because it was just more grief. I tried to be strong and tough it out, but I was failing, miserably.

In December of 2006, I had a phone conversation with Ben Best. He was trying to encourage me to sign up for my own cryogenic preservation, and I told him I thought life was so difficult, I couldn't understand why anyone would want to extend the misery. I remember Ben telling me how sad it made him, for me to say that. I wrote him an email, the following day. In it, I told him of my spirituality, and I also wrote:

"I believe the only times I've ever been afraid of dying were when my children were infants. It was so very important to me that I should live long enough for them to know me. Recently, I told my husband, 'If a doctor was to tell me, tomorrow, that I was dying, I don't think it would even bother me.' I suppose that IS sad, but most likely my feelings are based on an overwhelming amount of emotional hurdles I've had over the last decade. I think I most likely would change my mind, rather quickly, if I really did have a terminal illness."

That is how difficult my life was, at that time. I think virtually anyone would realize that nothing at work was making me feel that way, especially those who know what was going on in my personal life. Though I wrote, on this blog, that I resigned from SA due to difficulties with the management, that is only a piece of the truth. How much can I blame my resignation on the situation at SA, versus other difficulties in my life? I don't know, and I don't think anyone can quantify that, but certainly the personal difficulties were much more serious than anything happening at work. On the other hand, had SA been a rewarding work experience, perhaps it could have been an "escape" from other troubles in my life.

I had a lot of anger and frustration, building up, and four months after my resignation from SA, I decided to unleash it, first, on the Cold Filter forum, and then later, here, on this blog. There were people I didn't feel comfortable being angry with, so I believe I directed that anger and frustration at people I felt were more deserving. Certainly, "beating up" people associated with SA, felt a lot better than taking out my anger and frustration on people who I felt had unintentionally hurt me, or on my innocent loved ones.

I probably won't be writing much about cryonics, unless something new, worth commenting on, transpires. As much as I would like to see things change, in cryonics, it is a toxic environment for me, at this time, and unlike other situations, it's one from which I can choose to extract myself. Don't get me wrong...I'll probably still post on Cold Filter, from time-to-time, and I may return to work in cryonics, in the future. For now, I want...no NEED...to fill as much of my life as I can with positive things...time with my husband, children and other loved ones, meditation/prayer, genealogy, piano lessons, yoga, exercise, gardening, anything I can think of that is "self-nurturing" AND good for my family and friends, too. I've had enough hurt and anger. Though I know I won't be able to always turn those feelings off, or keep certain situations in their "compartments," I think I can do a lot better than I have been. (This is written with about seven months of weekly counseling sessions under my belt, and a lot of love and support from my family.)

Life is mostly froth and bubble;
Two things stand like stone:
Kindness in another's trouble,
Courage in one's own.
Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-1870)

I wish you all well, (and I do mean ALL), and I hope that, in striving for the future, you don't forget to live in the present, as I have sometimes done, in response to recent painful situations in my life.

Melody